Nexus

2007

The count down to 2007 has begun ... I am on my second glass of wine (a lovely Baco Noir from Peller Estates Vineyard in Niagara ... heaven) Waiting for my pilot boyfriend to arrive. He is off the plane and only two hours away ... by car now that he is at least on the ground. I don't have too much in the way of resolutions this year since I did a lot of evaluation and introspective thinking in September when I turned 50. I'm enjoying this new relationship yet struggling to trust it at the same time. You know, in many ways it is just so much easier to be single. But as much as I struggle with it, I seem to be diving in head first. (God, please give me strength) I know I can handle whatever comes my way - I know I have the strength to do that. Yet I am afraid to trust in it and afraid to open myself up. Do we all go through this? I guess we must. People face debilitating hurts all the time ... we do get through. Is it possible to really give into it at my age? I tell myself the outcome will be the same no matter what so I may as well just go with it. M tells me I over-analyse everything. I weigh all possible outcomes, I weigh going forward or turning back. I weigh everything as if it was a computer software problem ... and I do this the the nth degree until I drive myself and everyone else crazy. Can I really do this?

On a saner note ... time to go upstairs and put on some make-up and get dressed. There is this beautiful man and he is on his way to see me. I am crazy about him. For now, that is really all I need to remember.

Happy New Year everyone. Here's to a wonderful 2007 with much peace and happiness for everyone.

Being Apart

There is really something to be said for having periods of being apart when you are getting to know someone. Shortly after M & I met, he went away on business for two weeks. He was far away and in opposite time zones (Asia & Australia) so we didn't talk on the phone. But we did email. Everyday we sent each other long emails ... that was really how we got to know one another. We would both rush to check our emails to see if the other had emailed. And since we did email regularly, it was always fun and exciting. I still go back and re-read those emails. It seems like we have come a long way since then and yet is was only a month ago. He is away again right now. This time more local (within the USA) and the time zone is only a couple hours different. So we talk on the phone several times a day. But we still email. I love the emails. Somehow we got very comfortable with communicating in writing and I often learn a lot from his emails. For the first time in my life I am dating someone way more communicative than I am. He is better at initiating discussions and he is better at talking about his feelings. He is also better at reading me than I am myself at times. This is a constant surprise for me but a wonderful situation for me to be in.

Updates ....

Is it really possible that I have let two months go by since my last post? I've noticed that a lot of the bloggers I met when I first started having been taking long breaks. It definitely seems to be cyclical. I wish I could post everyday if only to have a record of what I'm thinking about.

But, I'll make do with a quick catch-up for now. Life has been pretty hectic lately. I spent a wonderful two weeks in Barbados in September and celebrated my 50th birthday. It still feels weird to say that. I went through a lot of self-examination leading up to 50. One of the by-products of that was a house renovation. I just was not happy with my home and it needed to be addressed. That took all my energy for months. The renovation is more or less done with only some small things remaining. The most important thing is that I am really happy with it. I know this place is not where I am going to end up, but I want to enjoy my time here and to make sure it reflects who I am. It does now.

Since returning from Barbados, I've been busy .... I decided to really concentrate on doing what I wanted to do and not worry so much about my social relationships. This is a difficult point to explain ... but I usually spend a fair bit of energy making sure I see everyone in my circle regularly. I go out of my way to do this. Lately, I have been concentrating on my interests. I find I'm doing what I want and yet I am still seeing everyone. This makes me happy. Somehow life has been more on my terms lately. This was all part of the '50' evaluation.

The next change is that I have again met someone. I know I have said this before, but this one is somehow different. We have a long way to go and have only started getting to know one another but I know it is different. If we can get through my huge trust issues. So far he is working hard to help me through them. I had not realized until meeting this guy just how untrusting I have become. It is a huge leap of faith for me to let someone in. Maybe that happens when you get older - maybe everyone has these issues. But this is a revelation for me. It is making me very happy but scaring me completely at the same time. I'm also having a lot of fun. So we will see. I'm trying not to over-analyse and just be grateful for the experience at the same time.

New Year is coming up. Considering that September was my New Year this year (as it really always is) I don't have any resolutions. I will be spending the New Year with M (as he shall be known on the blog) I won't see him again until then as he is out of town on business. We've been exchanging introspective and serious emails lately and I suspect for both of us that New Years is going to be symbolic. M is retiring and starting his own business. I expect some changes professionally for myself as well. The relationship is deepening and we'll start the New Year together.

I've been reading the most amazing little book over the last several months - it never leaves my side. It is called 'Finding Strength in Difficult Times - A Book of Meditations' by David Viscott. This is the wisest little book I've ever found. I read a section everyday. Then reflect on what I've read. I recommend it.

Maybe my resolution should be to write something here everyday. Just for myself. My own mediation on what I've learned or thought over the day.

Today I've been thinking a lot about how to open up and trust and care while still keeping yourself grounded.