Getting Personal

I haven't written much in the way of personal stuff on my blog in a very long time - until yesterday of course. And since the beginning never terribly personal in any case. Since I had known J, I found I avoided personal stuff even more than usual. Every time I wrote a post I imagined him reading it. He knew I had a blog, he knew esstentially what a blog is and may have even read some topical blogs - I doubt he bothered with any personal type blogs - my take is that it wasn't his thing. But I still worried about him finding mine. What if I wrote too much about my feelings for him - what if I admitted being upset with something he had done. This makes me realize how much of this information I kept to myself. Neither one of us shared much of anything emotionally. There were times I pondered if I was in love with him or not - occasionally thinking yes for a few hours after an especially nice evening. Many times I kept it to myself if he had hurt my feelings - I didn't want him to see my vulnerable side. I don't mind my girlfriends seeing that - but a boyfriend - too messy. This is probably a take-away for me. How to be more open with someone. J is leaving me for a woman with spousal abuse issues. They started out as friends in a running group together. Long distance running certainly promotes sharing - you always see parts of your running partners other people don't always see. And you talk out there running the trails. I wonder if that is the key to letting love grow - letting all that stuff out and early on. If you can't share it with someone maybe that is the time to take your leave.

Now that J seeing my blog is not an issue, I'm not going to worry about getting personal here.

I also think there may be some value to following the advice in the 'healing a broken heart' book. Today is devoted to expression. It says to cry your eyes out but I still can't do that. In fact I'm feeling quite positive today so far.

Comments

[ann]

Welcome back. Your cyberfriends missed you. So happy to hear about today's positive feeling.

[susan]

Yay! Keep it going for a while. The next hit won't take anywhere near as long to recover from, and soon it won't bother you at all.

[Kelly]

Hi Wendy,

I am so sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling...but so glad that you turned to your blog to express what you are going through...I've missed you, but totally understand your reasons for not getting personal. If the end of this with J means we hear more from you at Nexus, well then there is another positive to add to the list. The positives and negatives, hurts and joys, always seem to balance each other out in the end, huh?

[Margaret]

I'm glad that you are feeling better. I thought I left a longish comment on your therapy post, but it must not have gone through. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut about people; it's usually correct. He sounds self-centered, like many men I know.(including my own husband at times)

[Cathy]

I had hope you found somebody wonderful but now sad to see it didn't work out. Maybe he was a stepping stone to something better.