Can't Sleep

You'll have to read the post for Dec 9 to make any sense of this one .....

I can't sleep and I feel cold. I'm hungry but have no appetite. I'm not sure I feel upset. Honestly I can't even sort out how I feel. I know I do feel a bit stupid - why did I let him away with so much. Why was someone I thought was quite nice so willing to be so dishonest. Perhaps he was as dishonest with himself as with me. I suspect that deep down, most of us are selfish. If we are offered some comfort and relief from lonliness, I suppose we take it. His lies did seem a bit more conscious than that though. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be angry - even just for a short while. That might come yet. On the other hand, my life still has all the great stuff it had before. Great job (just got promoted), a deep and extensive pool of friendships that I've had and have added to my entire life, wide and varied interests etc. None of this has changed. But having someone in my house with me in the evening, someone coming home with me from an evenng out, someone to plan to meal for, someone to curl up with at night and to wake up with in the morning - that was nice. I miss it and will miss it for awhile yet. I didn't love J - I'm pretty sure of that. Not the way I loved Stuart. Or others before him. But the friendship we shared added to my life and made it better - no question about that.

When Stuart and I broke up, one of my girlfriends gave me a book called 'How to heal a broken heart in 30 days'. I just found it again - Day 1 is independence. It says you will be in shock. That I am. Even if I was considering ending it myself, I am still shocked. Perhaps because I am forced to see that the whole of what we shared has been invalidated. Had I ended it, I would be second guessing myself and would still be angry over the same things that caused me to end it. The way it did end though, I am compelled to think through all the warning signs and analyse it all. Unfortunately, the skills that allow me to do my job also cause me endless strife - I have to analyse everything to death.

I will read the day 1 chapter in the book. I will allow myself to wallow - today in any case.

This weekend I have a full social calendar as I usually do. I'll tell more friends of this situation - they will all remind me what a jerk he is. I'll agree and have another glass of wine. And one day soon, I'll stop thinking about it.

Comments

[Light & Dark]

I'm really sorry to hear that he handled things so badly.

I'd say anger and wallowing are both on the agenda for the next little while. Unfortunately, your physical self will be out of whack for a while too, in addition to your emotional self. Take good care of yourself. The only way out is through, and you'll get there.

Here's wishing you some good zzzzzzzzz's.

Paul

(And congrats on the promotion!)

[susan]

Bummer. No matter that you knew it wasn't a special relationship, it still hurts when it ends, especially when you probably should have done it first. Although I agree that it may have been dishonest not to tell you about the other woman, I would think that he wasn't obligated to until she called him last week and they got back together, so he's not a total cad. Men also tend to hold things back when they're not sure something's going to work out; he probably would have been willing to let it go a few more weeks except that you called him on it. People handle their hearts cautiously. What I'm saying is, is that you weren't being played for a fool, he was a decent sort and you shouldn't feel like you had made a bad decision being with him, it's just that the real closeness wasn't there and you knew it, and you hadn't yet gotten to the point of honesty with each other about that so that the relationship could have either changed or ended on a more mutually agreeable and pleasant note. This pain caused by deception is more than this relationship should have come to. You'll heal, and do take some time to feel your way through it. It hurts, I know, and I'm with you on that.

[Sallie]

I am sorry this happened to you again. You are a good woman. Perhaps this is one more lesson on the road to true happiness for you. That might seem strange to hurt to eventually feel love, but I think pain ripens the inside-you so you are able to truely know when the One comes along. Count your lucky stars that you found out now and not later. Keep your wonderful heart open... that special "One" will come along when all the pieces are just right... and when you least expect it. BIG Hug sent your way!

[Cindy]

Wendy - what Sallie wrote, plus this: it is very sad that J lost you -- a truly remarkable and talented woman. This is how I view it. It doesn't matter who broke it up, it's about who lost the most, and in my opinion, he did.
*hugs* One more thing: better to know all this now so that you're fully available and ready for Mr. Wonderful, who is hiding around a corner somewhere! :-)

[Bajan]

sorry to hear. only now catching up with your blog. that bastard. this may sound cliche (don't know if ur gfriends told u this already), but u're a really, really special person and i'm very happy and glad to know u.