Nexus

New Year

Usually on New Year's Eve I am heavy into thinking of the year just passed and making some resolutions for the upcoming year. Not so much this year - I think I have been so introspective for the last month that I am avoiding that. I want to just relax and enjoy. I am leaving in a few minutes to brave a snow storm and go meet G - the new guy. I am meeting three of his closest friends tonight - who all happen to be female. They insisted that he invite me to their New Years. This will consist of ordering in Chinese and going to see the movie 'Memoirs of a Geisha'. I was just thinking that I should perhaps be nervous. While it will give me a good chance to see him among his friends, it will also give him a chance to ask them what they all thought of me. I'm not nervous though. I do know for sure that making new friends is one of my best skills so feel pretty sure that I'll be fine with them. I'm taking lots of wine - not for me since I have to drive, but for them!

Holidays

With the placement of Christmas & New Years this year, I was able to take three vacation days and get ten days away from the office - that was a bargain. Hard to believe but five days have passed now. The highlight of Christmas was spending time with my adult nephews. It has become tradition that I walk for a couple of hours on Christmas day with the oldest of my nephews. There have been times I've worried about him but he seems to be growing up to be a really good guy. He watched his mother die of lung cancer when he was 7 years old (she was 33) and his father (my brother) is alcoholic. Not an easy life for him.

I've had a quiet Christmas so far .... lots of long walks, lots of rehabilitation (sprained ankle still) and a couple of movies. I saw The Chronicles of Narnia yesterday (excellent) and Capote tonight (didn't love it). I have a date on New Year's Eve - the plan is to see Memoirs of a Geisha. This guy is an unexpected turn for me - I've usually waited a long time after something ends to start something new. We have had a couple of dates and I will meet some of his friends on New Year's Eve. I think I will take this one slowly though.

Shoulder Pain

I have a variety of injurines at the moment ... all sports related. One that has been irritating me and preventing me from certain upper body weight training exercises is a shoulder pain. Not an injury exactly - something is just crammed in my shoulder and I can't do lateral raises or fly movements.

I may have found a solution in this month's Yoga Journal. There is an article with a spread of five shoulder stretches - I've been stretching a long time and I have never seen any of these stretches before. Anyone who has this problem - pick up this issue. These are great stretches - unusual and very effective. I've tried them all and my shoulders feel great - also helped my back relax.

Jump by Madonna

I've never been a big Madonna fan but I did buy her latest CD "Confessions on a dance floor' and I really love it. It has stayed in the car and pretty well been in full rotation on the CD player there. It seems to me to be good driving music.

I was listening to the song jump today and actually heard part of the lyrics - I rather liked the line 'life's gonna drop you down like the limbs of a tree' and 'we learned our lessons from the start my sisters and me'. Seems like a kind of anthem to women's friendships.

Jump

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

[Chorus]
Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump

We learned out lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

[Chorus]

Are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste

All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

Lessons Learned, Happiness and Resolutions

I've been sitting by the window enjoying the whiteness of the snow in the backyard, listening to the CBC classical music radio station, having a wonderful coffee and contemplating life. Pretty good morning. Some of musings this morning ...

Happiness .... I've read various newspaper and magazine articles about this over the last few months. I've also been polling my friends as to what they think, both about their own happiness and the topic in general. The main thing I've picked up from this - people seem to have their own happiness level. No matter what circumstances are thrown at them they return to this level in short order. An unhappy person who wins a lottery may become temporarily happy, but they will return the their normal level in due course. Happy people will return to happiness even in adversity. One researcher into happiness said not a lot of study had been done on the topic because it is not taken as seriously as depression for example. I believe I am a happy person - no matter what, I resolve my situation after analysis and through my optimism, I find ways to be happy again. I've returned to my natural level of happines after my recent upset.

Lessons Learned .... At work, we do a 'lessons learned' after every project - what went well and what wasn't so good. I feel I should do this with relationships as well. After Stuart and I broke up, I decided what I had learned from him was 'get outside'. That was his answer for everything - work it all out while doing an outside activity. The weather everyday is wonderful - whether rain, dark, dreary - whatever - get out and enjoy something - a walk at the very minimum. I do this all the time now and it works for me as well. Yesterday I took my sprained ankle and attempted my first walk on the wood/ridge trail - it did me immense good. My lesson learned from J is not as apparent yet. As far as interests go - colour theory and classical music I think. But I think the real lesson here for me is more in line with emotional honesty. I really did not have those discussions with him - allowing both him and myself not to face up to certain issues and warning signs. I ignore these things at my peril. Time to change that.

Resolutions ... New Year's is coming up. I am trying to ignore the whole Christmas/New Year's season this year - I just don't feel inclined to celebrate something so commercial and forced right now. But I'd like to make a resolution. The normal health ones aren't required - I do those all the time. Apart from trying to keep off the few pounds I lost last week (so I can continue to fit into the new jeans). I'd rather resolve to pay more attention to how I am feeling and staying honest to myself. And trying to look beyond easy answers in other people and finding some deeper meaning with them. It is hard to describe what I mean here but something to do with knowing them at a deeper level. I do great with my girlfriends with this - why am I so bad in relationships? I am often less than honest in my expectations as well. I think I am afraid to seem needy - my 'independent, strong woman' routine rises. I am independent and strong but there is another side that I have difficulty letting anyone see. I sense a resolution forming!

Classical Music ... I attended a performance of 'The Messiah' last night - it was magic! I had not realized the beauty of choral music before. Just having classical music on the radio seems to relax me - this is a discovery. It is quite accessible as well - we have two great classical music stations in Toronto. For years now when reading I've chosen solence as my backdrop - I think I'll try classical music now.

One Week

It has been a week now since J & I broke up. I have been up and down - mostly up. He has been out of town for two weeks now - would be leaving to come drive home today or tomorrow. That is a bit strange as well - the whole thing feels unreal. I am not sure why it should make a difference to me but I will be glad when he is back in town. I've had a pretty good week - apart from some lost sleep. I also lost a few pounds - not sure how many, but enough to get back into a size 6. I'm back to my marathon training weight - a weight I hadn't seen in 5 years at least. The weight loss was not on purpose but losing your appetite makes it much easier than the traditional method of weight loss. I celebrated by buying some fantastic new jeans today. I also had a lunch date today .... not sure what I think. We had a nice time - he is older, European and looks like Donald Sutherland. Very nice manners and flirts a lot - flirts with his eyes in a very nice way. We don't have a lot in common though - maybe that is a good thing. What I like most about him is his warmth. So we'll see. I will see him perhaps on Sunday as well.

This is all helping me feel better about the situation. I know I am a little more upset than I'll admit. I just don't want to care.

I've started going back to the gym more regularly again - my sprained ankle is on the mend. Still a few weeks off from skiing or running outside I think.

More Therapy

It feels strange to be posting frequently again ..... I spent the day yesterday with a close friend of mine I have known him for years - he was my Project Manager when we worked in Trinidad together many years ago. Strangely, I made a typo on the word 'years' in the previous sentence - until corrected it was 'tears'. Which was even more true - we have known each other through many tears - on both our sides. He has been struggling with a severe drug addiction for years. I've known him since the outset of that. I think his years of counselling have made him quite a good counsellor. I woke up feeling really great today. I've gotten some clarity. I can see that J's withholding that he was still in love with the ex-girlfriend made it impossible to have any emotional content to our conversations - he had to keep them impersonal - it got too close the the truth. The truth that he thought would send me running. It did no matter what. It always catches up. And I should have looked for more content - tried harder to get those conversations going. If you're not having those conversations, there is a reason.

Feeling Better

I'm so thankful I have my friends .... those here in cyberspace as well as the local ones. (I know some of you in both ways) I've had a great day today. Talked to my friend G in Halifax for some good down to earth perspectives. Went for a long walk in the snow. Another friend took the train out from Toronto for a nice long visit. I had a full day of therapy with him - I mean therapy literally - he certainly put me through my paces on this situation and I needed to hear some of those difficult truths. I dropped him off at the train station and went to have a fabulous dinner with another friend. Came home to lovely emails and comments on my blog. The absolutely best part of my life is my friends. I say that over and over again and it always holds true. Boyfriends come and go but friends are there forever.

I feel pretty positive. I realize part of my dismay in this situation was that I found out at the end of a week where I had been kept waiting - he knew it was over had not told me and had not communicated after the road trip. I was tense as a result. That news added to that state of mind was a lot. Had I found out in normal communication I think it would have been less of a shock. I feel not too bad right now. I have been making plans and have things to look forward to - that helps. And it really does help to use this as an outlet here.

Getting Personal

I haven't written much in the way of personal stuff on my blog in a very long time - until yesterday of course. And since the beginning never terribly personal in any case. Since I had known J, I found I avoided personal stuff even more than usual. Every time I wrote a post I imagined him reading it. He knew I had a blog, he knew esstentially what a blog is and may have even read some topical blogs - I doubt he bothered with any personal type blogs - my take is that it wasn't his thing. But I still worried about him finding mine. What if I wrote too much about my feelings for him - what if I admitted being upset with something he had done. This makes me realize how much of this information I kept to myself. Neither one of us shared much of anything emotionally. There were times I pondered if I was in love with him or not - occasionally thinking yes for a few hours after an especially nice evening. Many times I kept it to myself if he had hurt my feelings - I didn't want him to see my vulnerable side. I don't mind my girlfriends seeing that - but a boyfriend - too messy. This is probably a take-away for me. How to be more open with someone. J is leaving me for a woman with spousal abuse issues. They started out as friends in a running group together. Long distance running certainly promotes sharing - you always see parts of your running partners other people don't always see. And you talk out there running the trails. I wonder if that is the key to letting love grow - letting all that stuff out and early on. If you can't share it with someone maybe that is the time to take your leave.

Now that J seeing my blog is not an issue, I'm not going to worry about getting personal here.

I also think there may be some value to following the advice in the 'healing a broken heart' book. Today is devoted to expression. It says to cry your eyes out but I still can't do that. In fact I'm feeling quite positive today so far.

Can't Sleep

You'll have to read the post for Dec 9 to make any sense of this one .....

I can't sleep and I feel cold. I'm hungry but have no appetite. I'm not sure I feel upset. Honestly I can't even sort out how I feel. I know I do feel a bit stupid - why did I let him away with so much. Why was someone I thought was quite nice so willing to be so dishonest. Perhaps he was as dishonest with himself as with me. I suspect that deep down, most of us are selfish. If we are offered some comfort and relief from lonliness, I suppose we take it. His lies did seem a bit more conscious than that though. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be angry - even just for a short while. That might come yet. On the other hand, my life still has all the great stuff it had before. Great job (just got promoted), a deep and extensive pool of friendships that I've had and have added to my entire life, wide and varied interests etc. None of this has changed. But having someone in my house with me in the evening, someone coming home with me from an evenng out, someone to plan to meal for, someone to curl up with at night and to wake up with in the morning - that was nice. I miss it and will miss it for awhile yet. I didn't love J - I'm pretty sure of that. Not the way I loved Stuart. Or others before him. But the friendship we shared added to my life and made it better - no question about that.

When Stuart and I broke up, one of my girlfriends gave me a book called 'How to heal a broken heart in 30 days'. I just found it again - Day 1 is independence. It says you will be in shock. That I am. Even if I was considering ending it myself, I am still shocked. Perhaps because I am forced to see that the whole of what we shared has been invalidated. Had I ended it, I would be second guessing myself and would still be angry over the same things that caused me to end it. The way it did end though, I am compelled to think through all the warning signs and analyse it all. Unfortunately, the skills that allow me to do my job also cause me endless strife - I have to analyse everything to death.

I will read the day 1 chapter in the book. I will allow myself to wallow - today in any case.

This weekend I have a full social calendar as I usually do. I'll tell more friends of this situation - they will all remind me what a jerk he is. I'll agree and have another glass of wine. And one day soon, I'll stop thinking about it.